Wrestlemania Predictions

The WWE presents their Super Bowl of Wrestling today, and as usual I am sucked in by the promise of spectacle. I really should be more cautious with my anticipation as the WWE has not been delivering a quality product worth the $65 pay-per-view price as of late. Last year’s 25^th anniversary should have been a classic to celebrate a quarter of century of Wrestlemania moments. Instead it was a lazy and predictable show with only one major highlight match.

Let’s start off with that match. Two of the WWE’s greatest performers met at Wrestlemania for the first time. Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker each have highlight reels full of notable and perhaps infamous moments. Both are reaching retirement age, but still managed to outshine every one else. The WWE was so happy with this match they decided to do it again. I guess my question is why? In my view, there is no good way for this to end. If Shawn Michaels wins, the hallowed WM winning streak of the Undertaker is over. If the Undertaker wins, then the Shawn Michaels legacy is perhaps damaged by not being able to achieve this goal. Does Michaels deserve the honor of ending the streak? I’m indifferent to it, because part of me feels he isn’t, but on the other hand he is the only one in the current locker room that deserves the honor. I’m not sure why the WWE has decided to paint itself into a corner with this one. I fear a trick ending that will not leave us feeling satisfied.

The one gimmick match that WWE needs to retire is the Money in the Bank Ladder Match – AKA “the full of wrestlers we don’t know what to do with but can’t leave them off the card” match. This match started years ago with only 6 performers, and it is now bloated to 10. This match has featured some incredible spots and bumps over the years, but one can only jump off the top of ladder so many different ways. Shelton Benjamin, Kane, Fat (Matt) Hardy, and MVP are all past their prime or push, and could all have been left off the card. Christian and Kofi Kingston deserve better matches. Let’s hope that the deserving young superstars making their first appearances can make this match memorable. Who wins? I still say Christian should win, and then challenge Edge at the end of his title match later in the evening. The WWE just isn’t brave enough for this bold of a move.

Edge came out of nowhere at the Royal Rumble, and that is possibly the best thing for this event. He takes on the current World Champion and WWE Most Valuable Player Chris Jericho. I have high hopes for these guys, and I hope they are given enough time to truly make an epic match. These two are in the prime of their careers, and this match could easily vault them into wrestling immortality. Edge will and should win.

The other title match could be John Cena’s first solid attempt at a decent WM moment. I’m not a big fan of Cena, and neither are a lot of older fans. We dislike him so much because we can’t seem to piece together why he is the most popular and recognizable star. For once though, he has a decent story going into the event against Batista. The WWE is picking up a storyline that is nearly 2 years old, which in today’s short-term memory booking is eons. Both Cena and Batista have never had a classic WM match, despite being in the main events on multiple occasions. They have a chance now to do something, but I certainly wouldn’t trust them to close the show. Cena will win to please the kids.

Every single past WM has had a special guest spot that is used to generate some press headlines. This year that person is Bret Hart. Hell froze over recently when Bret made a special appearance as the guest host of RAW. You have to hand it to Vince McMahon, he’ll bend over backwards for any angle to generate some attention for cash. These two old guys are slated to have a no-holds-barred match, but seeing as though they are both old men now, I’m guessing there is only going to be a lot of holding. Headlocks, punches, a few kicks to the gut, and a sharp shooter to end it all. This might actually be painful to watch. At least Bret gets one last strut down the ramp, which will make this whole match worth it.

I have to say I’m both shocked and maybe a little impressed that Triple H is not in the main event… AGAIN. Just before the Royal Rumble – it certainly seemed like we were headed down that road… AGAIN. Let’s just be honest – Triple H is a classic WWE performer, but he is no Hulk Hogan, Rick Flair, or even Shawn Michaels for that matter. He is a man who has played his political cards better than anyone, heck he even married the boss’s daughter. Is he a great wrestler? Yes? Does he deserve a spot on the card? Yes. He is exactly where he should be this year. Helping put over one of the WWE’s most impressive new products – Sheamus. HHH will win it - let’s just hope he has the generosity to elevate the Celtic Warrior some.

The rest of the matches are just filler. The Tag Team Title match features 4 guys with different speeds and styles – it may be uneven. CM Punk and Rey Mysterio are rehashing and old Rey/Eddie Guerro storyline. Randy Orton taking on Legacy is also a take on a classic “wrestling stable breaks apart” angle. The Divas may or may not be on the card to add a little jiggle to the event.

I expect to be surprised, so I am hoping that there is many a plan to swerve us well-informed fans. So please amaze us WWE. We know you have it in you.

How do you teach a baby to smile?

How do you teach a baby to smile? You are born with this incredible power to make another human being. You spend the greater percentage of your life looking to mate. Some have an easier time procreating, while others must spend a great deal of time and money. You go through this tremendous mental preparation similar to that one Creed song. You turn your world upside down for 9 months, and then completely flip it over 3 or 4 more times after birth. You are charged with nurturing this child to enhance development. You read books, read web sites, and get opinions from everyone from family to the grocery checkout lady. You make countless trips to the store, and you buy only the best things you can afford. You clean and feed this child day in and day out. You do what you can, even if you aren’t going to ever win parent of the year. You commit yourself to sharing with them everything you know about life. You promise to not let them make the same mistakes. You hope to shield them from the evils of the world, but give them enough space to find their place in it. You pray that you’ll do it right.

So how do you teach a baby to smile? You can’t, and that is just the way it is.

The single most pure thing a human being can do is just inherent in our structure. You look at them one day and they just beam at you. You can only encourage them to do it again. You turn into a lunatic with goofy faces, voices, and songs just to have it happen again. This baby knows no fear, angst, or hardship. Sure they cry, but that is a somewhat involuntary reaction to their needs. They don’t have to smile, they just do. Your world becomes so small when this happens. Everything in your small bubble makes sense.

You can’t teach a baby to smile, but you can learn a lot from theirs.

Nicknames

I had a good laugh recently from two messages from former colleagues that are addressed to me with a nickname. I think at some point everyone wants a good nickname. There is a whole Seinfeld episode around George’s decision to be called “T-bone.” As it happened in the episode, a nicknames is not usually not decided by you, it is assigned to you by others. Good or bad, a nickname can stick to you forever.

Having the most popular name in my generation, I was often assigned nicknames because there are always too many Mike’s around. I never like being called Ireland, and I guess it never catches on due to my indifference to it. My pal Melissa is the only person I allow to call me Ireland, and it is only because of the acerbic way she says it.

Naming conventions all began with my father. In addition to the legal name given to me, I was also dubbed the M.E. Kid, and the Monkey Man. Dad had names for everyone. David was Big-D, Chris was the Welpish One, and the cat was affectionately referred to as The Beast. We’re also ranked in order when introducing us, which makes me #2. Yeah. Ew. Dad even titled himself, though none of us have ever actually called him Pap.

My earliest memory of a nicknames not handed out by my Father was this kid at Summer Camp called Moose. I remember everyone really enjoyed calling him Moose, and he was quite popular for it. Like most nicknames, I have no idea what his real name was. I envied him for this alternative title. Desiring any and all positive attention, I had hoped that someone would give me a great nickname someday.

That first real nickname that I longed for turned out to be not so great. My clever classmates decided that I was to be called Booger-nose 1 or 2. The 1 or 2 varied by the day, since they also decided this name was perfect for Brian Bosley, and I don’t think there was ever a consistent clarification. I’m near positive there was more equally disparaging names, but for whatever reason this one sticks with me.

My track record did not improve while in Middle School. I was not an athlete, but I did play softball. It wasn’t unusual for kids to wear their team jerseys to school, and since this was the only sport I participated in, I wanted to wear mine. The problem was, my jersey was powder blue and the corporate sponsored team name was A.D.S. – which I’m not sure I ever knew what that stood for. I should have known better I guess. These two knuckleheads in one class decided that stood for AIDS. I can’t remember any of the names of some of the few supportive teachers and friends from middle school, but I will always remember Desi Mathis and Mike Ruckel. I can’t express to you how much I hate that fact, and I only wish them the very worst in their lives.

Having spent much of my life being victimized for my sensitivity and lack of developed social skills, I grew very protective of any information that might lead to any and all teasing. When the members of my Boy Scout troop asked what my middle initial E stood for, I would not tell them. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always hated Edward as my middle name. It never sounded right to me, and I hated my parents for giving me this dumb middle name. My plan held up until they decided to guess my name…which turned up Eugene. I couldn’t comprehend how an E name could get worse, but it did. I spent the greater part of three years as Eugene. Our Troop was rich in nicknames, and other guys were known as The Monk, Reverend Tyron, Shag-Bag and Ewok among a variety of other socially unacceptable names.

I was finally given a positive, but mostly puzzling, nickname while working my part-time job in high school. Chris Krueger started calling me Jerusalum, for no other reason than he just like saying it. It stuck for quite awhile, and it became more of chant later on when they would see me perform on stage. By then I was at least brash enough to hand out my own nicknames to others. My favorites were The Schmoo and Heavy D.

My favorite nickname of all time belongs to one of my oldest friends, and I was there when it was given to him. Like Mike – Dan was a popular name – and we had three Dan’s working set crew for our Drama Club in High School. Dan Chin informed us that his given Chinese name was actually Bokman (pronounced Bok-mun). The elder Dan of the group then suggested we call Mr. Chin “Mun”, and the rest is history. He actually goes by this name today, I hardly think anyone even knows his name is Dan anymore.

I always loved how the guys in Animal House had nicknames assigned to them, so when I got to college I took it upon myself to start naming random people. Spaz and Scooter seemed to stick, but Meatball didn’t catch on. As usual, there was another Mike, and his last name was O’Brien. He was a guy who didn’t have much to say, and what he did say was in monotone. I can’t take credit for it, but we started calling “O.” Best. Nickname. Ever.

In the last ten years or so I’ve had one great nickname that only two people share with me. Two interns that worked with me at Starta-G call me Mikatron. This name is as awesome as the laser canon mounted on the forearm of the evil Decepticon Megatron who inspires this name. The great thing about talking to either of these two is that we have no use for first names. I barely remember that their real names are Chris and Cathy, as they have been called Krig, Kriggity, Loops, Cheese, Meredith, Baby, and Money.

I haven’t come up with a good nickname for my daughter Mia yet. I guess I should honor my Father and present her with some sort of “handle” (that is cool CB talk for the uniformed). Maybe I’ll just let him suggest one.

And the Oscar goes to…

It has been ten years since I’ve gotten together to watch Oscar night, and compete with my good pals Chad and Melissa. Award shows, especially the Oscars, rank right up there with my guilty pleasures of Pro Wrestling, “Large animals eating people” movies, and 80s newspaper comic strips.

I like to think of myself as a fan of film, but year and year out I am lucky actually see maybe two or three nominated films at the Academy Awards. This year was no different, I saw Avatar, Up, Julie & Julia… and ah, Transformers 2, GI Joe… OK I’m ashamed with myself. I really would like to see most of the films nominated, eventually…

Still, without seeing any of these films, I developed an uncanny ability to predict the winners in all categories. I should make my formula a future blog, but then I wouldn’t want my competition to gain any more ground on me. I did miss 5 categories this year, which is actually a good year. I’ve never gotten them all right… yet.

Here is a random selection of thoughts from the broadcast:

Neil Patrick Harris is going to be the host next year. He has this new second career as the hip go-to awards show guy.

Was George Clooney in on the joke? It was either too well played, or he really did hate being joked with.

I like Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, and I think they did an OK job. Not classic, better than Martin’s singular efforts from year’s past. However, their timing is a little off with their well-crafted characters they portray themselves as. Still the Paranormal Activity and Snuggie bits were funny.

I still wouldn’t mind if they dusted off Billy Crystal and brought him back.

What is with some of these gowns? I have zero fashion sense, but even I can pick out the poor ladies that are going to end up on the worst dressed lists. On the plus side, you could house earthquake victims in the poof of some of these skirts… was that insensitive? Why do they bother grading the men? How hard is it to but a tux together? Oh wait, I see that Sean Penn still has trouble dressing himself.

Remember when Cameron Diaz was supposed to be this comedic revelation? I don’t either. Steve Carell is still not funny.

Why is Jude Law the butt of so many Oscar jokes?

Ben Stiller is still not funny.

Hooray, Robert Downey Jr. is funny! Tina Fey should be appointed the head comedy writer of the world.

If you aren’t prepared to make a speech, and are uncomfortable doing so, why not let your fellow winner say something instead of wasting 45 seconds to stammer through a barely cohesive thank you.

Where was Jack Nicholson? Was there a Laker game last night?

Like most folks, I think the John Hughes tribute was fantastic. It is unfortunate that he was too many years away from the obligatory Honorary Oscar that they give to influential filmmakers who aren’t recognized enough in their time because their films don’t meet the snobby award-worthy standard, His films might have been considered larks at the time, but they ended up being powerful statements of a generation of youth.

Seating James Cameron behind his ex-wife and eventual winner Kathryn Bigelow was a stroke of genius. That arrangement right there told you how the evening was going to end in favor of the Hurt Locker.

Does Kristen Stewart have even an ounce of personality? How has this bland, bored, and sullen chick become a noted actress in Hollywood.

Did the producers of that excessively long dance number celebrating the best score winners even see the nominated films. I mean, what was going on? Why was a guy doing the robot for Up? Um, that was Wall-E, and that was last year.

When I first saw Jeff Bridges in the Big Lebowski, I thought – wow, this is quite a stretch for this guy. I mean, he always seemed to play these strong, clean cut, have-it-all-together types. But man, I can see that he isn’t at all far removed form the Dude, man. Man! Also kudos for rocking the General Custer facial hair on the most notable night of your career, man.

Helen Miren is HOT.

Every year, the Oscars must have a Belle of the Ball, and this year it was Sandra Bullock’s turn. Was she the most deserving actress to win? No. But she is a movie star, and movie stars should have Oscars. She was by far one of the more gracious winners of the award season. She even showed up to win Worst Actress at the annual Razzies the night before. I have to tell you, that’s all class.

All this effort to shorten the broadcast, and yet it stills slugs on past midnight.

And the winner for blink-and-you-miss-it major award announcement goes to Tom Hanks. Maybe he had to rush home to pay the sitter.

I have no idea if Hurt Locker was better than Avatar or even the 8 other nominees. I will say that Avatar was a beautifully crafted film and a marvel of technology, but the story was pedestrian at best for James Cameron. All the themes, situations, and characters have appeared before in much better films. For a Best Picture winner, I expect a fully realized effort, not just a pretty one.

Pixar Top 10

Let me start off by saying that this is a somewhat unnecessary exercise. I am in love with all the films that Pixar has produced, and ranking them is like choosing your favorite child. You still know your favorite… you just don’t ever say it out loud. After a recent purchase of a CD collection of music from the Pixar movies, I’ve spent a lot of time assessing the profound wonder of each of them. How can one fathom the sustained level of quality that this “little production company that could” continues to achieve. It is the equivalent of pitching a perfect game in ten innings. So after a little soul searching, I’ve gone ahead and made some tough decisions.

10. A Bug’s Life

I already feel bad for having to rank this happy little film last. Pixar’s sophomore effort had the unenviable task of following the breakthrough success of Toy Story. It also suffered from the unfortunate timing of a similar insect themed movie “Antz” from upstart rival Dreamworks. With all the challenges it faced, it is still a crisp and colorful lark. If Toy Story laid the foundation for all to follow, it was A Bug’s Life that solidified the structure.

9. Ratatouille

Can you just imagine the pitch for this movie? Would any studio in their right mind even consider the concept? The main character is a rat… who lives in France… and oh - he loves to cook. This is the best example of Pixar showing no fear, and that a quality story is the best marketable value. This film also reinforces the fact that Pixar movies are for everyone to enjoy at any age, and not to just pander to children.

8. Cars

A love letter to a slice of Americana – celebrating our fascination with automobiles, the love of the open road, and the pockets of community that make up the pit stops along the way. Not the most groundbreaking story to come out of the Pixar canon, but it chock full of the heart and themes of friendship and responsibility that is the hallmark of this studio.

7. Monsters Inc.

This is a film of textures, many that we hadn’t seen before in a computer animated film. The big blue monster Sully was a breakthrough at the time with his thick coat of flowing fur. This was also the first completely made up setting for Pixar, with everything from the citizens to the architecture of the monster world cleverly envisioned. There is almost too much to take in some cases. Quite a task for sure, but yet infused with a great deal of fun. Everything from the character banter, to the soundtrack, to the whimsical opening credits keeps you grinning the whole way through.

6. The Incredibles

To date this is Pixar’s only foray into the action movie realm. Let’s be quite plain about this – there is nothing in this film that we haven’t seen before. We’ve seen this type of family dysfunction, the James Bond villain type island fortress, and even the super powers the characters have are lifted from existing comic heroes. What made this film fresh was the combination of these elements and then making them work better. We can relate to each character through their super powers: the Mom who is stretched too thin, the teen daughter who’d rather disappear in her insecurity, the rambunctious youthful energy of the son. Balance this with a great deal of kick-butt action, and you have one heck of a roller coaster ride.

5. Finding Nemo

This feature film is as vast and deep as the ocean itself. More than the rest, this film feels truly alive, with the waves and currents keeping every screen element in motion. This is the best of Pixar’s environments, and it is a wonderful place to visit.

4. Wall-E

Somewhere in the middle of this environmental statement a delightful little love story happened. Not exactly love in the romantic sense, but love of all the things we take for granted. A man-made object not programmed to do anything but stack garbage finds a way to fall in love with everything around him. We can be so pampered and attended to with all the innovations and corporate distractions that rule our existence. We don’t spend enough time embracing the love of clean air, warm sunshine, the comfort of physical contact, and what it is like to just be smitten with someone.

2 & 3 (tie) Toy Story 1 & 2

The argument on which of these movies is superior to other is like trying to justify if the Empire Strikes Back is better than Star Wars: A New Hope. Toy Story 2 is clearly more polished at every level, but it hard to overcome the magic of the very first computer animated film. Friendship is a strong theme in all the Pixar films, but it is on no better display in this tale of play things left unattended. The matching of familiar voices to iconic toys was inspired, and these have become some of the most beloved characters on film. A movie about talking toys could have easily been… plastic. The triumph of these films is perspective: from a toy’s eye view of the world around us, and from how our movie viewing experience has changed forever.

1. Up

This is a beautiful film. The first ten minutes alone takes you on an emotional journey through the life of a sweet married couple. No words – just shared moments of joy and pain that will make your heart ache. It is hard to call this a high concept film, since it is actually so wonderfully simple. This film is a portrait of expression. You can add all the whiz-bang 3D effects that you want, but the true technological marvel is in the fluid emotions on display. The emotions subtly crafted on both mature and young faces – even the blank expression of Dug the guard dog is a stroke of artistic genius. This film is only the second movie to be nominated for the Best Picture Oscar. Some might note that its inclusion was due to the list of nominees being expanded to ten films, though I would argue it would have still been nominated with only five.