Naked Guy

I hadn’t been in a YMCA locker room for many years, but I’m here to report that some things never change. Upon entering the locker room, right there by the door, is always Naked Guy. Not “I’m slipping out of my towel and jumping into my shorts” Naked Guy. I’m talking about “I’ve been standing here letting it all hang out from every angle as I consider organizing my bag” Naked Guy. No matter what locker room you enter, this guy is there, and usually front and center for everyone to enjoy.

Naked Guy comes in all shapes, sizes, ages, and races. I can’t be as judgmental to suggest that there is something unsavory about this particular man. One shouldn’t assume that his intentions are anything beyond just the freedom of being naked.

Guys are just funny this way. Some guys can get naked together at the drop of a hat… or pants for that matter. My college rugby team was famous for their desire to drop trou with each other. Yet any suggestion of homosexuality would cause a surge of ugly testosterone to prove otherwise. I think there is actually a large percentage of guys who would be perfectly fine with an installation of a sports bar in the locker room. Picture a bunch of naked guys sitting about eating wings and watching the game. Get too messy with the wing sauce, just walk over to the shower and rinse off.

I dated a girl who lived in a newly renovated downtown loft apartment in Cincinnati. Right across the way was this very old school private executive men’s club. Wouldn’t call it a fitness center, because there wasn’t really any exercise going on. Just a bunch of old white men, sitting around in steam rooms. Their casual nudity and lack of window dressings were common issues raised at the resident meetings.

I just don’t have this level of comfort, and I never have. When I’m forced in to sharing changing space with others, I mind my own Ps and Qs. My eyes are on what I’m doing, and I can only expect that everyone else is doing the same. I have what most would consider an appropriate level of self-consciousness, and have no desire to put myself on display.

There are many activities where nudity is acceptable and very much encouraged. However, most of these are considered socially unacceptable in public. Seinfeld had a whole episode about “ugly naked.” There is many a position that need not be gazed upon. Any pre or post stretching routines can all be accomplished with the comfort of briefs. Sure, you might need to hike that leg up on the bench to dry off, but it completely unnecessary as a stance to help drive conversation.

As a general rule, I feel that if your junk is exposed in a public situation, there should be no conversation. This goes for changing rooms and urinals. The only exception to this rule may be at the doctor, and he is telling you to turn your head and cough. I mean, what do you even have to talk about when naked? “Say – how’s your penis?”

As one might assume, I’ve never been in the Ladies Locker room, so I don’t know how relatable this story is to my copious amount female readers. Our feeble male minds have our own ideas, but I’m going to guess there is Naked Woman in there that is in no way matching our Cinemax-inspired fantasy. However feel free to comment, share descriptions or photos if necessary.