Crappy New Year

I’ve never really enjoyed New Year’s Eve all that much. I’ve actually never done much on it, except over the last few years spent with my wife (who I’ve never missed one with). Going by the traditional means of celebration, I’ve only straddled the years inebriated and lip-locked only a handful of times. Most often it is hardly ever been memorable.

I had one really lousy evening way back when I was 13 or 14. There was a neighbor down the street that felt that she had the perfect opportunity for me. She was involved with catering and had arranged for me to be the coat room attendant at a local hotel who was offering a New Year’s Eve dinning and party package. I would be paid nothing but tips, but she assured me that this would be a windfall of cash. With over 300 people attending, I would be laughing all the way to the bank. Let’s just say if I got a dollar a coat, that would have been an unimaginable amount of cash at that age. I was seeing green.

I was dropped off in the early evening and was given a run-down of the structure of the event. I was ushered to a meager closet in the main hall just inside the lobby door. I was provided a small basket to collect my bounty. The wait staff would pass by every now and then, each with their own prognostication of future riches. I grinned with green.

People started to make their way in a steady stream. I took jackets and provided little number slips that matched the numbered hangars behind me. People were genial, but not overly effusive in praise for my efforts. The tip basket sat empty. The neighbor lady breezed by right before dinner to check on me. I must of expressed some sort of concern about the lack of green so far. She thought it would be best to get the pile started with her own donation of a dollar or two. This would act as a gentle reminder.

I sat at my post as the party carried on in the ballroom. The volume rose considerably with each passing hour. Canned dinner music, gave way to canned ballroom dancing music. The mummer of polite conversation morphed into laughter that got more uproarious as we neared midnight. This was really the first time that I witnessed people getting drunk en masse. The hallway remained somewhat quiet though, with my only company being those going back and forth from the restroom.

Midnight approached and party hats and noise makers were distributed. The countdown began and 10 seconds later there was was cheering followed by the standard mummering of auld lang syne. Some of the more square guests immediately made their way to my station. The cash explosion was about to commence.

I handed out about ten coats and noted that there wasn’t a single piece of currency placed in the basket. Was I supposed to ask folks for a tip? How hard was I supposed to work for this? As I began to ponder what further actions I needed to take, a disturbance happened down the hall. A loud siren began to blare. Somebody had just pulled the fire alarm.

Hotel employees began urging people to vacate the building. This of course being January, nobody wanted to go outside without their coat. A huge crush of people attacked my booth. Numbered tickets started being thrown at me with folks identifying their belongings on the rack behind me. I was easily overwhelmed, and I just started grabbing coats and throwing them to whoever was taking them. This was NOT a polite crowd. These were lonely people with no other places to go, who just overpaid for a crappy meal, a sip of champagne, and plastic noisemaker. The clock had struck midnight. There was no reason to stick around. Let’s start off the New Year harassing a frazzled teenager behind a half door.

The place cleared out, and I was still left behind the door a few feet away from an annoyed fireman who was more than miffed that people hadn’t evacuated faster. I guess had there actually been a fire, I would have been a goner. The fireman asked me if I had seen who pulled the alarm, being that it was only a couple yards away from where I sat. I told him I heard more than I saw. The fireman declared the building safe and a few folks came back in. Most had left though. I finally looked at my basket, And not a single person left anything.

The last few hours of my year in a mothball smelling closet, and all I had to show for it was the lousy 2 bucks that was placed as seed money. I was more than defeated. The neighbor lady at least noted my situation, and went around to the entire catering staff and asked for folks to pitch in. These kind folks actually pulled $30 together. I wasn’t going to leave empty handed after all.

I think my Dad had actually planned on me bringing home much more as well. He had already decided, without my input, that this money was going directly into my stale savings account. He got it in his head that they were going to take what little I had in there if I didn’t create some activity. Granted, $30 wasn’t going to be the root cause any great account stability. He informed me of his plan, and I told him I understood his concern, but I wanted at least half of it. After such a crappy evening, I felt I deserved something. Hiding it in the bank is not earning to a young man.

I went with my Dad to the bank, he went up to the counter, made the transaction, and we left. I asked him for my half. He said nothing. It was at this point that I realized he had placed the entire amount in my savings account. I’m not sure why he thought he would just get away with this. We got home and I tearfully told my Mom of his devious action. She made him march right on up to his cash stash in his sock drawer and give me $30 out of his pocket. His nature being tight with money, this was a great penalty for his deception.

So in a sense I made $60, which in all reality was a quite a sum for me back then. I’m sure I blew most of it on fast food.

Happy New Year. I hope your year ends better than this example.

Random Acts of Elementary School

I had a conversation recently with a gal that went to school with my brother. She was 7-8 years behind me, but we were still able to share a few memories about our time at Hopkins Elementary School. I’m somewhat amazed at the odd things I still remember. Granted, I have my share of painful grade school memories, but I also seem to have an archive of slightly amusing events that have stuck with me. These are in no particular order of importance or timeline.

I asked Amy Gaking to marry during recess in second grade. Her response haunted me for years – “No, because I don’t want my tummy cut.” Her mother had apparently had a C-section and she associated this with marriage.

John Filidoro used to wander about singing “We all live in a pink jellybean,” sung to the Beatles Yellow Submarine. Amy Gaking really liked the “Hello Cleveland” commercial jingle for Channel 5. She would sing it constantly, and also wrote a song “Hello Birdie” to the same tune. She made Wendy Ferguson sing it with her in front of the class on day.

In a fit of frustration, Wendy Ferguson once called John Filidoro – Filofat. Sure there were countless awful things we said to each other, but this one just struck me as funny.

Prior to recess one day Mr. Hanlon sat at his desk and would not respond positively to anyone’s request for the coveted playground ball. One by one we went around the room with each kid asking, “Can I have the ball.” The thought was there was obviously some sort of favoritism being enforced. It wasn’t until Kathy Anderson asked nearly 10 minutes later, “May I take out the ball,” that he responded “Yes.”

It was rumored that Mr. Hanlon had a wooden leg. Evidence of this fact has never been presented to me personally.

I always heard “You” class as “U” class – which confused me. You class was our introduction to puberty. Brian Bird painted a much clearer picture for me to understand when he asked, “When do we get to see the naked lady movie.”

Ms. Logan was a huge Charlie Brown Christmas fan. She wanted to show it to us in class one day. She set the school VCR (this was one of those early HUGE top loading tape deck models) to record it the night it was broadcast. The next day, she admitted to us that there was some sort of recording error. What she ended up with was Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, at the time, was the hottest thing running on MTV. She decided to let us watch it, which launched her well into the coolest teacher ever status.

Jenny Krysiak wore pointed steel tipped boots and would threaten to kick us boys in the crotch if we bothered her. I’m not sure if she ever tagged anyone, but I’m going to say Chris Babbitt was possibly closest to being on the receiving end.

Bill Mendelsohn would eat his lunch, and then proceed to eat the brown paper bag.

One side of the playground the cooler boys played football. On the other side the brainier kids played Dungeons and Dragons. I played neither, so I’m not even sure what I did on the playground.

A magician visited one afternoon to give a performance for the entire school. He asked for a volunteer and we all raised our hands in riotous fashion. He brought Doug Truesdail, a very soft-spoken somewhat shy young man, to the stage for his trick. He explained that Doug would essentially be placed in a guillotine. His trick was that he would take one of those huge magician blades and shove it down through this apparatus that had Doug’s head sticking out. It is at this point that a lesser grade school boy –i.e. me - would have turned into a sobbing mess and literally run from the stage. We all sat frozen in silent fear that we may actually witness Doug’s head come rolling down off the stage. Doug did not cry or protest. His face got really red, but he did what the magician asked him to do. Obviously the blade did not cut Doug’s head off, and we all breathed a sigh of relief. To this day, I consider this single act to be one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen.

It was decided that Hopkins Elementary needed a mascot, despite the fact of having no organized team sports. We were presented with a series of names and designs to vote on as a school. Now I don’t remember all of them, but one of the selections was... I kid you not... the Hopkins Hooters. It was represented with an image of an Owl… not unlike the logo for Hooters restaurant. Had us dumb kids known better, we may not have selected the Hornets.

Mr. Overbaugh would literally sit there and have us do nothing for long periods of time. In 4th grade, the classes were separated as the smart kids and the dumb kids… and he got the dumb kids… including myself. This was most likely because he was a terrible teacher. Years later he married my third grade teacher Ms. O’Malley.

The only time I was sent to the principal’s office was when I called Jeff Vosen an asshole (what can I say, it was true). I was rumored that kids still were paddled by the “Board of Education,” so naturally I feared the worst. I sobbed through the whole visit, but I was never really in danger of said punishment.

We were taught square dancing specifically for six grade camp, which was very much forced interaction between us boys and girls. I also remember not showering the whole week out of fear of knuckleheads finding some sort of issue with my naked body that would scar me for life. The boys from the band that played trumpet/coronet got to go over to the girl’s camp to play Taps every night. We naturally thought that them girls would be running amok in their underthings. They weren’t.

I always had the crappier teacher, or ay least I felt that way. For example - the other 3rd grade class taught by Ms. Bruno (her first name was Star!), put did their own version of the Nutcracker. Brian Bosley played the title character. We were told not to snicker when the boys had to dance. I remember felling left out of this performance.

We always heralded pizza day – but the little flat flavorless sponge with maybe two pepperoni was just plain gross.

It didn’t matter what kind of event it was – class party, field trip, Cub Scout meeting, etc. - but Matt Love’s Mom was always the volunteer parent. She was at our school so much, she was practically on the payroll. I still wish my Mom had volunteered more.

Scott Morman signed his name with his initials SAM.

We had a high jump contest in gym class. We narrowed the whole class down to just Melanie Skolny and I. I remember it being a moment that I was finally good at something, especially something considered a sport. All the guys were cheering for me to beat the girl. I lost.

We had some sort of class project that dealt with economy. Play money was distributed and we were to team up and run our own businesses. Mike Scott and I did a newspaper – the Hanlonville Weekly. I don’t have any idea what we wrote about but I do remember drawing a pretty good caricature of Mr. Hanlon.

Our school had this big festival, and with it an art contest to design a poster to promote it. Since art was the only thing I was good at, there was no reason I couldn’t win this. I put together a very intricate poster filled with the necessary information and my own characters enjoying their own carnival. I lost to this red headed kid (whose name escapes me) who just drew a big Garfield. This led to a future of runner-up/second place statuses.

At one of our chorus shows, I got to sing the Donald Duck part of the Mickey Mouse Club theme song. I remember Brian Arbough being particularly put out by this.

A Merry Christmas Carol

I’ve been reading The Annotated Christmas Carol, the Charles Dickens classic with an introduction and notes by Michael Patrick Hearn. Yes, I’m actually reading something academic without the need of pictures and word bubbles. This is an impressively researched volume of work with the introduction itself nearly twice as long as the original text. This was actually a gift to me from last Christmas, but I’ve been saving it to read prior to this holiday.

I’ve always loved A Christmas Carol, and the countless interpretations and performances I’ve seen. I remember the George C. Scott television movie as being somewhat big event in our household when it was on. One of those rare occasions where we were allowed to stay up late to watch it. There have been all sorts of character adaptions from Mickey Mouse to the Muppets. There was even this strange Mr. Magoo version I have memories of. The Alastair Sim version is sitting on my DVR as I write this. I’ve seen many staged versions, my favorite being the one done here in Cincinnati at Playhouse in the Park. Oddly enough, I’d never committed to reading it before.

The book itself was a fast read, deceptively simple in message yet so complex in theme. I was more taken by the introduction and notes that I continue to read through. What I find striking is just how things haven’t changed much since Dickens was inspired to write this. There was a great financial instability at the time. Profit was largely gained at the expense of others. There were the haves and the have-nots. There was a great deal of concern that the true traditional meanings of Christmas were being lost.

Dickens grew up in poverty, which was a reoccurring theme in his works. His was a classic case of never forgetting where he came from. His success placed him among those who he felt did not do enough to care for their fellow man. I’ve struggled this holiday with my lack of generosity. I know there are so many in need, but yet I so distrust the many who take advantage of the generosity of others. For every magical story there is a negative tale of corruption. For every K-Mart layaway paid of by an anonymous donor, there is a person stealing church funds. I’ve crafted my own ways of giving to others, and I have to trust that these are the things that keep my chain from getting ponderous.

The top story of the year is the great divide between the top 1% and the rest of us. Most will agree that want and ignorance has caused great financial instability around the world. Scrooge and Marley spent their lives focused on financial gain, to the point that neither had anything else to share it with. I do find it strange that Scrooge did nothing with his wealth, seemingly only driven to keep it from others. Much like the politicians that are currently making things worse for us, Scrooge was out of touch with the struggle of the common man. Nearly 170 years later and we have not the redemption that Scrooge found. I feel like the Ghost of Christmas Present stands among us warning us of a bleak future that will remain unaltered without efforts to change.

I know of many Bob Cratchits. Decent men of personal sacrifice to remain providers for their families. Not is not the time to quarrel with inconveniences of job satisfaction. The fear of “losing my situation” haunts me even greater now that I have dependants. There is nothing I want more in life than to be able to provide a Merry Christmas for my child every year.

I fully embrace the spirit of Christmas that Dickens celebrates. I always have. I understand the reason for the season, but one doesn’t have to fully embrace religion in order to properly celebrate the day. Why can’t one evaluate their humanity if but once a year? When else would one take the time to do so? One glance at Facebook paints a picture of how people feel about the holidays. Many embrace it, others are righteous, and some dread it. Each passing year I get more reflective around the holidays, and I find that valuable. The perspective that age brings lets you analyze Christmas past. The security of the moment lets you appreciate Christmas present. The responsibility is yours to take what you’ve learned to guarantee a merry Christmas future. To me, Christmas is family. You pass along Christmas spirit from generation to generation. This was Dickens primary concern, and the reason he wanted to write this story. He wanted to craft something that could be shared in celebration of traditions he felt were being lost. Christmas was passed along to me by my parents, and I look forward to passing along what they shared with me. I think that is what I’m most excited about this Christmas, and I fully intend to make rather merry on this day.

My Christmas blessing to you is to find clarity of spirit. It is never too late to better your place in the world. Find resolution in your regrets. Enrich the life of someone else. Be generous, not just monetarily. Be better than your word.

God bless you... yes... everyone of you.

100 facts about Me

I was complaining recently (go figure) about how people can’t seem to say anything interesting about themselves. I was part of a roundtable discussion where people were asked to introduce themselves, explain what they do, and then share one fact about themselves. The answers were tepid. Nearly all the men responded with “I play golf,” and the women mostly listed how many kids they had. In stating my disappointment with people’s complete lack of introspective creativity, I boasted that I could come up with 100 interesting facts about myself. Here it goes:

1. Reached the level of Life Scout, the only Ireland brother not to reach Eagle Scout
2. Is a silver medal Pinewood Derby winner
3. Shares a middle name with his grandfather
4. Lost his appendix in high school
5. The first girl he had a crush on was named Elizabeth
6. Was Student of the Month in seventh grade
7. First Star Wars action figures were C-3P0, R2-D2, and Darth Vader
8. First concert was officially the Captain and Tenille, but he was only 5
9. Has never had a cavity
10. Told people he wanted to be a Geologist in grade school
11. Other than Canada, has never left the United States
12. Owned Incredible Hulk sneakers that were green
13. Dressed as Cher once for Halloween
14. Did not win an acting award until he was 29
15. First car was a Chevrolet Corsica... will never buy an American car ever again
16. Longest relationship is 5 years 9 months... and counting
17. The only softball league infield position he ever played was catcher
18. First official acting role was Trumpeter #3 in Cinderella back in 2nd grade
19. First speaking role was in A Chorus Line in 10th grade
20. First speaking role ever cast through auditions was A Fate Worse Than Death in 11th grade
21. First community theater role cast was in Our Town in 2000
22. Appeared in 3 talent shows doing ventriloquism
23. Saw Star Wars for the first time at a drive-in theater
24. Has been married in two different states
25. First cassette ever purchased was Michael Jackson’s Thriller
26. Had to have collarbone broken during birth. That is his only bone ever broken
27. First kiss was at a Junior High School Dance
28. Is the only EWF wrestler to hold all three major titles: Heavyweight, Intercontinental, and Tag-Team
29. The only pair of Underoos he ever owned were Incredible Hulk
30. Made his own Darth Vader costume in college
31. Designed a Mother’s Day card for Lebron James
32. Played the coronet in his elementary school band
33. Heaviest weight was 225 lbs. just after college
34. Considers 1990 a “good-hair” year
35. Performed puppet shows for classes all through grade school
36. Two roles he wants to play are Scrooge and Captain Hook
37. Both he and his wife are the middle children of 3
38. First DVD ever purchased was Ghostbusters
39. Has a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Graphic Design/Illustration with a concentration in both
40. Met WWF wrestler Big John Studd at the Mentor, Ohio Toys R Us opening
41. Worked at toy store part-time in addition to his full-time job out of college for a few years
42. Has lived in 5 different parts of Ohio, but never outside of it.
43. Is a boxers guy
44. Batman is his favorite super hero
45. Had a mullet in the summer of 1991
46. North of Columbus, Ohio he is Mike, south of it he is Michael
47. If he could be stuck at any age it would be 5
48. Highest grade point average for one semester was his very last in college - 3.7
49. Owns a vintage metal Mork & Mindy lunchbox
50. Has performed at state level theater competitions in Ohio and Indiana
51. Has always wanted to own a dog, yet never has
52. First theatrical award was not for acting - it was for Excellence in Lobby Display
53. Was in the audience for the very first WWF Survivor Series in 1987
54. Owns well over 600 Star Wars action figures
55. First CD ever purchased was Van Halen’s For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge
56. Was married in a vintage movie theater
57. Was Artist in Residence at Verder Hall for two years at Kent State University
58. Was Resident Assistant of the Month in October of 2004
59. Was turned down for the first job he applied for at McDonalds
60. Didn’t get his driver’s licence until he was 18
61. Has only ever been to one NBA game and one NFL game
62. Favorite Star Wars character is Darth Vader
63. Made movies in High School, one that ended up being broadcast on local cable access
64. Chosen super power would be invisibility or the ability to freeze time
65. Never actually took the SAT. Completed the ACT and that was good enough
66. Only applied to and was accepted by Kent State School of Visual Communication Design, but did visit and tour NYU Film School
67. Went through a Tropical shirt fashion phase in Junior High
68. Favorite holiday is Christmas
69. Favorite Muppet is Animal
70. Will never sky dive, unless forced to in an emergency situation
71. Has never been a car guy, but if given the unrestricted choice of one vehicle, it would be a black Firebird Trans Am with the gold eagle on the hood
72. Is better at drawing than painting
73. Has never been arrested
74. Drew a comic strip through 7-12 grade that featured random friends and a little flying character called Fazoom
75. Is an Honor Thespian in the International Thespian Society. Attained the second highest points ranking in his graduating class
76. Took French as his language credits for many years, but can only count to ten
77. One life goal would be to appear in a major motion picture, even if it is just a fleeting appearance
78. Has given the toast at a same-sex wedding
79. Thought for years he was 6’2”, but apparently he is really only 6’
80. F-Zero was the only Nintendo game that his little brother couldn’t beat him
81. Is an Advanced Toastmaster Communicator Bronze
82. Prefers chocolate over fruit candy
83. Likes his ice cream, pizza, and hamburgers the same way - loaded with as much stuff as possible
84. Is a pretty good shot with a bow and arrow
85. Continues to post nonsense on Twitter, but there is nobody paying any attention to it
86. Does not like anything between his toes
87. Refused to wear brown pants as a child, and is still not very keen about it
88. Is an rather good cook but really excels with grilling and breakfast
89. Was interviewed on-air by Dick Von Hoene (AKA The Cool Ghoul) for the Northern Kentucky Magazine TV program
90. After years of watching professional wrestling, he had an active WWE wrestler actually come watch a show he was in. Chris Nowinski came to see his then girlfriend who was in Bus Stop with Michael
91. Hated his middle name when he was younger, and refused to tell anyone what it was. His fellow Boy Scouts decided that the E then stood for Eugene, a nickname he couldn’t shake for years
92. Was in Indian Guides prior to Cub Scouts
93. For two straight summers, he camped for an entire week on an island in the middle of a lake in the Canadian wilderness
94. The person he would most like to meet alive or dead is Jim Henson
95. Felt left out of the Cabbage Patch Kids craze in the 80s
96. Hates Geico commercials
97. Is fascinated and frightened by the idea of Sasquatch
98. Sold most of his original Star Wars figure collection at a garage sale for .25 each
99. Since his father has season tickets to The Ohio State Buckeyes Football, he’s been in the crowd for all of the top ten most attended games at the Horseshoe
100. Does not play golf