Thankful 2010

I’ve spent years noting the holiday with a list of various reasons to be thankful. This year will be no different, but I’m approaching things from a different perspective this year. There, I just said it – perspective. This year I am thankful for being able to be on the other side of things. 2010 brought perspective in the form of my bubbly bouncy ball of baby girl.

The universal parental taunt is “You just wait until you have kids.” Something in our heads always told us we were going to do things better, but inevitably we all suffer that moment when we realize we are handling everything just like our parents did.

Obviously I knew life was going to change, and I’m thankful that I’m in a good place to welcome this change. I couldn’t have done this 5 or 10 years ago, and any earlier I might have raised a serial killer.

I’ve experienced many people around me become parents in the last twenty or so years that I’ve been piecing my life together. I can’t say one way or the other if these people were succeeding, failing, or just doing what little they were capable of. I was half expecting some sort of slight madness wash over me. Would I become the military precision parent who runs drills on a strict time schedule? Would I be the parent who can’t structure a single sentence without mentioning their child? Would I have to shut out the entire world because I can only process one thing at a time? Would my child become a universal excuse? Would I be ignorant enough to think that the rest of the world will be delighted enough with my child to let them run amok wherever? You might consider me one or all of these parents, but I’m a thankful witness to those who've bravely gone before me.

I wasn’t prepared for the perspective. I just wasn’t. The maturity that increases with each passing year may bring to light what a tool one may have been previously. Nothing can prepare you, however, for the installation of operating system Parenthood 1.0. Gazing into the eyes of my child for the first 10 minutes of her life was like starting my own life over. Call it an out of body experience if you will. Years of family photos, movies, stories, and memories cannot place you in the moment of how your own father felt when he held you for the first time. I’m now reviewing my entire life again as if I was re-watching a Criterion DVD box set with commentary from the director. I’d love to describe this in detail, but I can’t, it is just something you can’t share unless you live it for yourself. I have so much more respect for my parents, because I didn’t know of all these beautiful small moments and frightening big fears. I understand so many things now, and I am thankful for this clarity.

I’m of course thankful for my wife and the sacrifices she made to bring us our Mia. I give thanks to our families who continue to exuberantly embrace our addition.

I give thanks to you the reader, for your (hopeful) continued interest.

Father Fears

In no particular order, here is a running list of fears that I have in regards to fathering my first child.

She is a girl (well 90% chance). I have no clue how to raise a girl.
Tea Parties.
She'll look like my brother Dave.
I'll bring the wrong girl home from the hospital.
That first greasy looking goofy bastard who comes over for her first date.
Pink.
Hannah Montana... though I'm sure Miley will have made her first sex tape by then.
I'm going to be a push over.
I'm going to become an embarrassment even faster than most Dads.
What if she is an emotional basketcase? she'll get that from her Father.
She might be smarter than me by second grade.
Questions about male anatomy.
What if is she thinks that Kermit the Frog is stupid?
She'll want a pony.
She'll want her own phone by 7.
She'll go to Mommy to fix things. She should.
She'll tell her friends that Daddy is in charge of the vacuum cleaner. He is.
The cost of college in 20 years.
The cost of a wedding in 20 years.
I might be better at painting toenails than Mommy.
She'll take up smoking at some point.
That she'll have her heart broken some day.
That she'll only want to eat chicken nuggets all the time.
Fruit candy will be her favorite.
That she won't be able to relate to Daddy at all.
She might be kinda dull.
She'll get a tattoo.
When will it be appropriate to allow her to wear eye shadow?
Girlie pop music.
The terrible twos.
The terrible threes.
The terrible teens.
She might like Barney.
Will she ever cry on Christmas morning?
Will she ever cry at Disney World?
Will she prefer Reality TV?
The cat might bite her.
She might bite the cats.
She'll resent me for her bushy eyebrows.
She will only eat cheese pizza.
She might be scared of a lot of things, but she won't fear Sasquatch.
She won't laugh enough.
She might forget to mention me when she wins an Oscar.
She might not smell what the Rock is cookin.
Boys.
That my kisses won't fix all boo-boos
She'll be more Disney Princess than Princess Leia.
She might be obnoxious.
I'll have to wear pants around the house more.
She won't like school.
Bullies.
She makes the right decisions.
She has the patience to truly wait for love to find her.
That she won't like being tickled.
Trust is never broken.
That I won't have the patience.
That I won't fill her memories with enough love and joy.
That she'll be brave enough to tackle the world.