A conversation reminded me a few things in the limited male mind that always sound like a good idea, but aren’t in reality. I’m not one to perpetuate clichés here, as I’m very much against this new sitcom perception that now defines the American male. We will stick with what is fact, however, and the following are unfortunate truths.
Hot tubs are severely over-rated in my mind, yet there is always this Pavlovian reaction of excitement about them. They play the commercials for local establishments during sports events, and we sit and think, “That would be awesome to have in my backyard.” It is like the first step to transforming our homes into the Playboy mansion. Install this tub and your house will be busting out at the seams with buxom babes ready to boil in your hot tub brew. “That’s right ladies, swimsuits are optional.” The reality is that it a big steaming waste of money as it sits unused by you and your pasty white friends who are too uncomfortable to bathe with you.
You’re heading out for brews and food with the guys, and what better place to celebrate manhood than Hooters. We think it is OK, because it is like the gentleman’s club we allowed to go because it right across the street from Applebees. We fall time and time again for what is perhaps the greatest marketing gimmick ever created. Charge ridiculous amounts of money for watered down beer and food that rivals junk you can make in the microwave, but have it delivered to your table by girls in tight t-shirts and hot pants. Your waitress ends up being a sullen gal whose insanely overprotective boyfriend is sitting at the bar making sure nobody even glances at his woman. Your base instinct is eventually overtaken by empathy, as you think, “This poor gal is only trying to make ends meet. She might be working her way through school. Maybe she has a little one at home.” You leave with a pang of guilt in your gut… or perhaps it was just the onion rings.
Deep inside every man there is a desire to be the Captain his own vessel. Whether we envision ourselves as a Viking or Pirate, we have this desire to conquer the open water. When financial stability allows it, we think we want a boat. Fresh air, cool water, warm sun… bikinis. For the guys fortunate to actually live on the water, this isn’t such a bad thing, but us land-lovers who populate the Midwest have a bit more trouble getting to the water. It is my understanding that by the time you store the boat, maintenance the boat, clean the boat, tow the boat, launch the boat - you only have a few precious hours to really enjoy before you repeat the entire process. Money floats apparently, as you have to keep applying it in order to keep everything above water.
Now that is look at this, with each of these ideas comes the somewhat unfulfilled promise of scantly clad women. Yes, that is answer. I blame boobs.
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